Where Do We Go From Here?

I wrote this on New Year's Day 2010:

So last night as it turned from one year to the next I lay on my bed (it was a very peaceful night) and meditated on welcoming this new year with all the love I had in my heart so that I could set the tone for how I wanted this new year to be for me. I'm making this my year of sincere love and abundance (not that I didn't have that last year). Somehow a lot of the people that I speak to on a daily basis don't believe that we can have MORE, be MORE, love MORE and experience MORE. It makes me sad because I know for myself that I have had more than I ever thought to imagine in my life.

Last night in my reflections and meditations I thought about my journey in healing (because, of course, I was starting this blog) and my reflections brought me back to New Years Eve 1999 and New Years Day 2000 - 10 years ago. I tried to put myself back into that place and time and tried to remember the little details and feelings. I was 25 years old. I was super skinny and had long blonde hair, I had a lot of guys that were interested in me at the time, I was working in a stable job and I had lots of friends. The truth was though, that I was a miserable human being. I remembered how seriously depressed I was at the time. I remember how desperate and despairing I was and how I couldn't feel emotions properly - could find no joy in anything and even though I had men asking me out and falling at my feet, telling me how beautiful I was, it was empty and I needed to hear it more and more because I couldn't connect to what they were saying. That night 1o years ago was one of the most desolate nights of my life. I was surrounded by friends (all exceptionally drunk!), one friend passed out on the floor of my bedroom where he'd been sick all over my floor. In the morning I was so sick, my apartment smelled, I had people passed out in my bed and I had no place to be alone. I remember going into my bathroom and crying, saying "I can't do this again, how am I going to do another year of this shit".

If someone had come to me that morning and told me that it would get better, I would have laughed in their face. If they told me that I would have everything I could ever ask for I would have thought they were crazy. In my mind it couldn't change because life was miserable and would always be miserable. But what I didn't know was that that year was to be the foundation for my journey into my own personal healing. In 2000 I went on a trip to England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. It was in Scotland that I first came to the realization that I was an alcoholic and I stopped drinking right then and there. It will be 10 years since my last drink come May. It was because I stopped drinking that I could really come to terms with the depression and despair that I had been feeling. I could look at myself and see the falseness of my persona. I was fake from head to toe - starved to be skinny, bleached hair, fake tan, fake coloured contact lenses, fake smile on my face....I didn't want to be fake anymore and slowly started to come out of the dark hole I'd been in. So I put on my glasses for the first time in years and started to find out who I really was inside and I started to look hard at my choices. It was at that time that I was able to be myself with the person who would, in 2001, marry me and be my partner on this journey, Mark. In 2001 I became a brunette again for the first time since I was 16 years old. It was for my wedding. That year I became part of an amazing extended family and really started to appreciate my own brilliant family more and more. It was that year that my sister, Kate, looked at me and said "Oh my gosh, Kit, you're back!" I knew exactly what she had meant - I had been missing for over 10 years....the shell of the person that had been trying to exist was not me, I had been in hiding, but here I was again, ALIVE for the first time in such a long time. She saw me return and it felt good to be recognized again. In 2002 I went back to school to finish my degree and got all A's and a scholarship where I had flunked out years before. In 2003 I had my beautiful daughter, Maggie, and in December of 2004 moved into my beautiful home in Bradford. 2005 saw me on a journey of true self discovery and spiritual development and in 2006 I started to learn how I could help others heal through the Usui Method of Natural Healing (Reiki) and the idea of "Ballawoods", my beautiful business, was created. 2007, 2008 and 2009 have been wonders for me - I've travelled to beautiful places, I've learned other methods of healing, I've taught other people how to connect with themselves and the beautiful life that surrounds them, I've been surrounded by love and joy and abundance the likes of which I couldn't have dreamed. Now here we are at 2010 - can you imagine what it will bring to me? To you? My GOD (literally!) I'm so excited!

We have the choice to stay where we are, always. We have the choice to change nothing. But seriously ask yourself why you'd want to do that. There is no end to the joys that can be found when you are open to change. It is never to late to put that first step into motion, to lay the first brick in the foundation that will build the rest of your life. Do it today, do it tomorrow or do it next year - but know that when you start you will never know how beautiful a life you are building until one day you too look back and see how well you've done. Build it one brick at a time, slowly, enjoying each and every part of the process. 10 years may seem like a very long time to people, but in my own life I would do it all over again to have this result. Here I am in 2010. Last night I was laying contently in my bed, loving my body no matter the size, with my beautiful husband beside me, my daughter sound asleep in her room below us, the cat snoring by the stairs and I was smiling because I couldn't believe it was possible to be this happy. Can you IMAGINE what it will be like for me in another 10 years!! HOLY COW I CAN'T WAIT!!!