Understanding The House That Built Me

This morning I was sitting with my coffee and looking out the window. I had thirty minutes before I went to work. After getting the rest of my family off and out of the house, I thought I had earned a few minutes to just sit back and relax before the rat race of my day began. And in the silence of those thirty minutes, that's when my full circle moment found me.

I had the TV on and was listening to CMT. I admit I don't always do that . So in my estimation, for me to even hear this song this morning was kind of a fluke. I just wanted something to listen to to break up the silence of the morning. And low and behold, the next song that comes on is this song by Miranda Lambert called "The House That Built Me." When I first saw the title, I thought "gee what an odd title" and almost turned it off. But, it's sweet, beautiful guitar arrangement lulled me into listening to it for a few minutes longer. And then, after I heard it and got the idea behind what the song was about, I wanted to watch and listen to the whole thing. And so, I did.

The song talks about not being able to go back home and then doing it. Sitting there listening to it, I thought about how in the last five years I had done just that. Five years ago,  I had moved back onto the old home place that I grew up on to raise my own children. I thought at the time it was because I wanted to raise my children on a farm. But now, I am pondering if it wasn't for other reasons.

I recall after moving there how happy I was. I felt like I had come home. I felt safe. It was so nice to just walk from room to room and let the memories flood over me of all the good times I had growing up. The old tree beside the small grainary was still there. I used to climb that to get to the top of it to keep from being found when us kids played hide and seek. I was able to revisit all the places where rode my horse to avoid farm chores. There, I'd stow myself away with a blade of grass and a book. I'd sit and watch the clouds float by and daydream. It brought back all the memories of the spunky, feisty, determined, dream filled tomboy I once had been.

And  being there also brought back memories that I wished I could forget forever. Being there afforded me the opportunity to rewind and replay the moments I had chosen to forget for so long for very good reasons. It afforded me the ability to now look at those events through the eyes of an adult to be better able to reframe those bad times and come to terms with some of what has haunted me my whole life. Being able to touch and sit in the places where I remembered hurting so bad afforded me the right to give myself permission to heal the brokenness I'd felt inside all my life. It also gave me permission to tell myself I was right to feel the way I did back then.

Yet, I always knew I would never want to stay there my whole life. I just needed to go back to find myself and to get back in touch with the "person" I used to be. For when I first moved there, I didn't feel at all like the person I'd used to be. I felt lost, broken, and very much alone.

I realize now that I had for a long time been a person stuck in the past. I hadn't been able to move forward or to go back. I was literally stuck in memories of the both good and the bad. And yet, it was those "good" and "bad" events in my life that had shaped me into the person I am today. It was those life experiences that had taught me compassion, empathy, patience, determination, and to forgive and love those that hurt us. So in a sense, it was that house and several other houses in my life that built me into the person I am today. In short, we become the sum of all those life experiences that are  "good" or "bad".

I also am lucky enough now to realize that I'm at a crossroad in my life to understand that another house is beginning to shape me. The house of God. He gave me life and the ticket into this big old vast world. He hand picked the events in my life to shape me into the person I am now. And while I could be very angry at him for all the "injustices" I may feel I had to suffer through, I realize he's now preparing me to live in another house. His house.. Ironic, how parallels and insights like this can come to us through just the words of a song. Isn't it?