Have Not Sent Cookies Yet.

 He called me from Kuwait today. It is Easter there already since they are seven hours ahead of us. He said he was happy to finally reach me after several attempts. I got his Easter card in the mail today as he sent it just before deploying. It sounded so good to hear his voice. I just listened to him talk about his flight there with the many stops enroute. He could have read the phone book to me. It still would sound wonderful to me.  I told him about what I have been doing and that I was keeping busy and spending time with my kids. I also decided to return to college to finish my degree and I am waiting for my acceptance letter. The last time he deployed I kept to myself  in attempt to hide my pain from my loved ones which left me feeling more lonely and isolated. Today, despite knowing that I needed to not to isolate myself, I felt guilty for deciding to move along, living day to day while imagining that he is over there while we are moving along without him. I shared these feelings with him on the phone and he pleaded with me to do all the normal things, to keep myself busy and told me he was proud of me for wanting to return to school and that he supports my decision to do so. I told him that I am proud of him too and his commitment to serving. And, that is what we do. We support each other. He started to cry on the phone. He said he was so sorry for not being here with me and missing all this time with me and not sharing all these experiences at home. I got off the phone feeling more guilty.

Several hours have passed since that phone call. I'm thinking about how I will not be spending this summer with him. I will not be sitting on the front patio together sharing a pitcher of Mojitos on a hot summer night as we listen to the familiar sounds of the ice cream truck's melody or the kids playing in streets or neighbor's voices from open windows. Boy, Rich can make an awesome Mojito. We sit out front talking, laughing and sipping those awesome Mojitos.

But, wait a minute. We didn't do that last summer either.  I do remember, telling Richie that I would miss doing that with him over the summer the last time he was deployed. I do remember telling him then that I couldn't wait til he came home and do those familiar things with him again. There is such great comfort in looking forward to doing familiar things together. If he were not deployed, I would probably take these simple things for granted.  Except, this time when Rich returns and we are sitting out front of the house hearing these familiar sounds and maybe sharing a drink, I will be thinking about how he was doing this with someone else instead of me last summer.

Yes, I said with someone else. Yes, last summer I missed sharing time with him and missed sharing all the familiar experiences with him that are such a comfort to me.

Let me back track a little bit. Before this recent deployment, he reenlisted last June of 2009. He did this without discussing  the decision with me first. Yes, I was upset that he reenlisted again and not including me in the decion. Especially, since we knew he would be deploying again and I thought we shared these important decisions. But, only a small part of me did not want him reenlist. I think some reasons such as his safety are apparent. But, in the bigger picture, I knew this is a part of who he is and I am so proud him. He told me that my input did not matter and did not want me to talk him out of it and that was why he did not include me in the decision. Rich also stated that he would regret not signing up again "in case we broke up"  Despite all he said, the hardest thing for me was not to have the opportunity to give him my blessing and to support him in this decision. That is what we do. We support each other.
 
I wonder now if that is why he began to cry. When I told him that is what we do, we support each other.