Coach Theresa Ip Froehlich

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Until recently I have not been aware that I go to the cupboard for food when I feel anxious. This source of anxiety sometimes comes from isolation; other times it comes from fear, especially the fear of the unknown. Over the last few years, I have started to pay attention when my brain tells me to go to the cupboard for comfort.

When I reach for the cupboard, I am trying to meet a need. Quite often this need is very normal and legitimate -- the need for counsel, the need for companionship, the need for understanding, and the need for community.

The trouble is, when I try to meet a normal and legitimate need with the wrong means, the need will never be satisfied. The dissatisfaction will drive me to more compulsive use of the wrong means until it gets out of hand. This explains why people lose control of their lives when they become slaves to their own compulsive behaviors -- substance abuse, sexual addiction, food addiction, carbohydrates addiction, and computer addiction.

There are some behaviors that are very socially acceptable, yet they are compulsive, controlling and destructive. Take for example my friend Roberta. She loved to shop, especially when she felt lonely or sad. By the time she graduated from college she had a $5000 credit card debt. After she had been working for five years, her credit card debt had gone up to $20,000. By this time she realized she had to do something. She cut up her credit cards, stopped eating out, stopped shopping except for essentials, and she started paying off her credit card debt on a schedule. When Roberta put her finger on her real need, she was able to put a stop on her compulsive controlling and destructive behavior.

Then there are some behaviors that are more or less socially unacceptable, depending on who you are. Take for example golf champion Tiger Woods who was caught for being involved in multiple affairs. Since I am not his psychotherapist, I am not in the position to say what legitimate needs drive his behavior. I can only begin to speculate that loneliness, isolation, the need for acceptance and affirmation, and the need to know and to be known might all be in the matrix.

As I watch my own behavior and the behavior of other people, I have come to realize how important it is to aware those normal and legitimate needs we have and to know how to go about meeting these needs with legitimate means. When I meet legitimate needs with destructive means, I bring destruction into my life and I am welcoming failure with a wide open door. By the same token, Roberta was becoming a slave to the credit card companies, and Tiger Woods was destroying his family and professional relationships as well as public trust.

If you stop to listen to yourself today, what are the normal and legitimate needs that have not been met? The need for friendship? The need to belong? The need to be creative? The need for a sense of purpose? The need for personal development? The need for guidance?

What might be some legitimate means for meeting these needs?

Please visit me at www.theresaipfroehlich.com