You are conscious and aware of WHY you need to change. You are creating a reality that you don't particularly like and you do have the power to change it. That is the a very important step. Most people miss this and they die with the realization that they were not who they wanted to be. Deep down, nobody wants to be angry and reactive.
As you look at yourself, you may not like what you see. Despite this, you must keep looking and digging. It helps to realize that these thoughts and feelings you encounter are not really you. They are just accumulated layers of garbage that you have picked up along the way. You have been conditioned to be the way you are through your experiences with parents, teachers, friends, the media etc.
It seems that we are more like robots acting out computer programs until we stop and take a look at what we are doing. For example, the expression 'he really pushes my buttons' illustrates how somebody can do or say a certain thing to you, and they seems to actually push a button on your robotic body that makes you act out a certain program. You react the same way every time that button is pushed. I remember the day I realized that I didn't have to act like a crazy b*#$% if I got less than perfect service at a restaurant. I realized it was just a reaction that had been programmed into me. The thought behind the reaction was something like 'how dare you give ME poor service'. So, I had a 'how dare you' button, which produced annoyance inside of me, and resulted in an outburst of rudeness. I thought this was completely warranted and necessary. When I realized that I could choose to act differently, I experienced a taste of freedom. I noticed how I am beyond these programmed reactions because I can choose different actions.
The trouble with these buttons is that everybody has a different assortment. Maybe bad service in a restaurant doesn't bother you and you can sit patiently and peacefully and enjoy the atmosphere. If all our buttons are different, how can the other person, who supposedly triggers us, be responsible? How can a stranger know what our buttons are? If they can't know, how can they be the one at fault? Even if your spouse learns how to push your buttons on purpose, don't you have the power to choose how to react? If you are triggered, the trigger is yours. The responsibility is yours. It is not completely necessary to act out the program every time the button is pushed.
The good news is by starting to observe yourself whenever you feel triggered, you can rapidly begin to change. In this way, you can thank the people who you think upset you. They are showing you what you need to work on. Start by noticing whenever you feel any sort of interior reaction. It can be big or small. Notice the feeling. Do you feel angry, annoyed, sad, anxious, afraid? What sort of thoughts start running through your mind? See how one thought leads to another, and another in a downward spiral. If your reaction boils over into action, what do you do or say to the other person who is perceived to be the cause? Does this make the situation better or worse?
Don't beat yourself up if you start to notice you are always reacting. This is an important step in self awareness. You are aware of what you are doing, though right now its hard to change. But now you know, you do have a choice. You can choose action instead of reaction. Action is conscious and directed by you, reaction is unconscious and directed by your programming. Once you know some of your triggers, try to choose a different action. What do you want to experience? Annoyance and anger? Or peace and understanding? Choose.