As I snapped out of my state of crying I realized that my family had been very concerned about me. I still didn't believe that I was worth their worry.
That week things got progressively worse as time seemed to move so slowly that life was not going anywhere. It was miserable. I lay in bed til nine in the morning. I had to force myself to get up long enough to take my oldest daughter to school.
After dropping her off I would go home and put the baby gate up and turn on the television and then sleep on the couch until it was time to go get my daughter from school.
I would try and remember to feed my children but most often my kids would just find whatever they could reach to eat. I had plenty of things to eat in the pantry. They ate a lot of Pop tarts and cereal as that was what was reachable for them.
What made the whole weekend worse was that it was my youngest daughters birthday and my WHOLE family was coming! I was not mentally prepared for them to be there.
My daughters birthday was good even though my whole family was here. She had a good 1st birthday, I think (honestly I don't remember much from her party).
That Sunday I attended my church meetings as I do every week and all of a sudden I found myself crying again. I had a really bad anxiety attack and didn't realize it. Even the simple things began to be really hard.
A lady from the church came to me to make sure I was okay and I told her a few things that had been bothering me and she encouraged me to go to the higher leadership in the church. I finally broke down and went to see him. I didn't really want to but I knew somewhere in my heart that if I didn't then I would not be around much longer.
As I talked to him I began to cry and he realized how badly I was. He asked me to call him that evening. As I lay in my bed in the darkness of my room where I felt was my place in life, I contemplated whether or not I should call him. I fought it because I had convinced myself that I was really fine and that I was making a big deal out of something small.
Finally after about an hour of fighting with myself I called him and we talked for a couple of hours. He made an appointment to meet with me and I agreed to go. I was not willing to do it for myself but I knew I had to do it for my family.
The first meeting was very hard. I mostly just cried. He mostly sat and listened. I felt like he was judging me for things I knew I had done and he had no idea. I felt that he really didn't care and that he was just amusing me by listening to me cry.
He insisted that I was loved by my family and the church members and my friends. I just didn't believe him. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I hated myself and didn't think I was worth the trouble I was causing everyone.
He encouraged me to get counseling. I left his office in tears and went home thinking nothing of it. I had no intentions of calling a counselor. There were already enough people who had to listen to me whine and cry. Why would I submit anyone else to that?
I let a few more days go by and I was feeling a little better (I thought) and I was beginning to think that a little visit with my church leader was really doing good. I figured that I would continue to do better, however the next day it hit again.
That night after my husband got home from work, I walked out the door and went for a walk. I found myself so frustrated and then realized I wanted to get away from it all. The stress had been too much and I began to run. I had no intentions of turning back. I came to an intersection and I thought of how easy it would be to walk into the street as a car came by.
At that very moment in my life I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before, hoping with all hope that I would recieve an answer. As I was just about ready to give up thoughts of my dear children came to my mind and I turned around.
I began to wonder if it was going to be possible to come out of this state and save myself from this very dark place....