To turn our leadership potential into reality, we Asian Americans need to individuate from our parents.

As a married woman in my early 30s, my parents and older siblings still tried to tell me what to do with my life - just because in the Asian culture, I am at the bottom of the totem pole since I am the youngest of the family. I did not comply with their wishes but my non-compliance did not stop them from trying.

A few years ago at the orientation of a fancy boarding school in Canada, I watched with my own eyes how a Korean father acted like a commander-in-chief, telling his 17-year-old son how to wear his school blazer. I thought to myself: that young man is perfectly capable of figuring out how to wear his school blazer.

Don't get me wrong! I love the Confucius teaching of “Respect Your Elders” and I think that our societies are better for it. But I do think that respecting our elders does not mean obeying their wishes even after we become young and older adults.

Building your individual identity apart from your parents is critical for developing your leadership potential because the mentality of obeying parental expectations often carries over into the workplace. This kind of mindset traps us into a hierarchical relationship with our bosses and causes us to always see ourselves as someone in the passenger seat.

It is time for you to begin to see yourself as someone in the driver’s seat! I am going to give you a few tips for how to do it.

1.  Be polite and grateful toward your parents. When they continue to give you suggestions or orders, thank them profusely and be truly grateful for their suggestions.

2.  Take courage to share the reasons you choose a different path. You may want to choose a different career or marry a different kind of girl or boy than what your parents think you should. Be transparent and explain your rationale to them. They will respect you for being a careful, thoughtful and responsible decision-maker even if they don’t like your choice.

3.  Carry over to your workplace this courage to be your own person. Take initiative. Build relationship with your bosses, your peers, and your subordinates. Just because your boss is above you does not mean he or she has to be feared from a distance. Face time and transparency build trust.

4.  Be very aware of the feelings you have for your parents. Be aware of how these are carried over to the workplace and how they shape your workplace behavior. If you need to, hire a personal or life coach to help you grow.

5.  Take risks to put yourself out there. Ask for leadership opportunities. Your boss may not know you want to lead until you tell him.

In what ways have you individuated from your parents? What are some areas you are still working on? What experiences have served you well in the workplace as you see yourself being in the driver’s seat? What might be some attitudes and behaviors you still have to develop?

Please visit me at www.transitionslifecoaching.org and feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.