During the turbulent years of adolescence and early adulthood, parents often have a difficult time transitioning to their new roles as they shift responsibilities to the child. There are number of common mistakes that parents make, many of which I have made myself. These mistakes are limiting beliefs that create roadblocks to launching our young adults to become self-reliant individuals.
1. My child still needs me. After years of feeding, teaching, guiding, chauffeuring, helping with homework, traveling on family vacations, and scouting, I as a parent had so deeply attached to the child that it is hard to imagine a time when I'm no longer needed. The need to be needed is a strong and normal human need. In a parent-child relationship, the parent must learn to gradually meet this “need to be needed” with something other than the intense relationship with the child.
2. But he must at least finish XYZ! Most parents have minimum standards for the children: graduating from high school is a basic expectation of a child. My husband and I have always had the expectation that our children would excel in college. When this did not happen we were devastated. In the case of other parents the minimum standard of graduating from high school becomes a broken dream when the child does not perform academically early on in life. Just a few months ago I coached a mother who was all distraught because her adopted 18-year-old daughter seems to be unable to graduate from high school. It is true that a high school diploma as a central for basic survival in society, but when the child does not own this goal as hers, the parent can take the cattle to the river but will not be able to make it drink.
3. My child needs to grow up! For years I have complained how my children were regressing and falling behind in the maturing process. Instead of moving forward they seem to start moving backward since their mid teens. Like most parents, I have complained, “she needs to grow up!”
After several years of working through the chaos and the conflicts at home, I finally came to the place to believe that I as a parent also need to grow up. Growing up as a parent is about releasing my child to allow her to develop in a way she chooses.
4. I must fix him! One of my closest friends married a man who has had addictions problems since high school. His parents, over the years, have worked hard at fixing him by sending him to numerous rehabilitation programs. He has gone in and out of these programs, stayed clean and sober for as long as several years at a time, and then gone back into another program. Even when he was in his mid-40s, his parents still considered it their responsibility to fix him. Now that he is in his early 50s, he has demonstrated no fundamental change. As long as these parents consider it their responsibility to get the child back on track, the child will not take responsibility for himself.
5. I am my child's moral police. As a child sails the rough waters of adolescence and early adulthood, he might make some moral choices that parents find hard to swallow. Our daughter at age 20 chose to live with her boyfriend without getting married. Her choice hurt us deeply, but my husband and I chose not to express our judgment, and we elected to keep the communication channels open and build the relationship.
6. My child is still not there! I find it very easy to forget that when I was a teenager and young adult, I did not have everything together. I made some risky choices that could have ruined my life. For example, I rode on the back of my boyfriend's motorcycle without wearing a helmet and without my mother's knowledge. What if I had been involved in an accident and ended up with a severe head injury. Yes, when I look at my children's apartment that they share, I am appalled by the mess; but I also have to remember that they are still adults-in-training and work-in-progress
7. I must help my child financially. I wonder how many fathers and mothers out there feel like you are walking ATMs. My husband and I certainly have felt like one. Until we have done some significant internal work within us - the work of growing up as parents - we have felt compelled to help our children financially whenever there was a need. It is only now that we recognize that the financial assistance is like an umbilical cord that perpetuates dependency. We have now learned to trust that our children will be able to solve their financial problems without us.
8. I don't need to change. I suppose this is confession time. As the parent in charge, I have believed that my child was the one and the only one who needed to change. It has been rather humbling to confess that as I change to become emotionally healthier, the relationship with our children also changes for the better. In turn, our children are empowered to become stronger and healthier as well.
9. Once a parent, always a parent. There is a sense in which this is true: parents don’t stop being parents. In this particular discussion here, I would take the contrarian perspective. Let me explain what I mean. If by being a parent I mean I am always the one to lead, to guide, to shepherd, to provide, to protect and to control, then I will be causing myself, my child, and our relationship a lot of harm when I believe that I am always the parent. However if by being a parent I mean I will make myself available with my loving presence, I am always the caring parent. I think of my 86-year-old friend Jerry who has three sons. His youngest son Larry, 48, still looks to his dad for financial bailouts when he needs one. Jerry delivered every time Larry asked for help. A few months ago Jerry moved to a different city to be with his middle son who has been taking good care of him and has a good relationship with him. When Jerry found out that Larry has gotten in trouble with the law, Jerry chose not to return to the city where Larry lives so he could figure out the solution by himself. Jerry has finally realized that he is not always a parent.
10. The rest of the family is fine. Families that have a troubled child, sometimes known as the identified patient, tend to focus on this child as the problem. In the American culture where individualism reigns, it is particularly difficult to see the family as a community and as a system. Whenever a relationship within the family system is not healthy, it is a reflection of the entire system. Even though I had been raised in the more communal Chinese culture, I took a long time to recognize it wasn't just one part of the system that was broken; the whole system needed an overhaul in order for the family to be healthy. Ironically it was when I stopped focusing on my daughter as the problem child that I began to look at my role, my husband's style, and my son’s personality. When I started changing, so did the rest of the family.
What are some mistakes you can relate to? What might be some other mistakes you have noticed yourself or others making? What strategies do you have to overcome these mistakes? What ideas could you share with others?
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