You have been caring for your son for 18 years. Now it's time to drop him off for college. Can you feel the anxiety rising? Is he going to do well in school? Is he going to remember to drink enough water? Is he going to make friends? Will he remember to go to bed?
It was just a couple years ago that my husband and I dropped off our children for college, so my memory is still fresh.
Over these two weeks, thousands of parents are going to drop their children off at college. This is a mile marker -- marking the separation of the child from the parent, the beginning of the child’s journey into womanhood and manhood, and the beginning of the parents’ journey into a life apart from the children who have been their very focal point.
In the United States, sending children off to college is a kind of rite of passage. But our contemporary culture does not seem to prepare the parents for such a separation. Colleges are now designing their orientation programs to peel the Helicopter Dads and the Velcro Moms off from their children. At Morehouse College in Atlanta, there is a formal “Parting Ceremony” which begins with a few speeches in the Martin Luther King Jr. International Chapel. After the chapel ceremony in a recent evening, the freshmen marched through the campus gates which swung shut, leaving the parents behind, literally.
I don’t mean to say that such separation is easy or enjoyable. But we parents need a strategy to deal with the emotions of such separation so we can drop our kids off at college with confidence.
1. Recognize that your attachment to your child as a “child” must end, sooner or later. But better sooner than later! A bird that is ready to fly must be released from the nest to test its wings. If it is held back, it will never develop its wings.
2. The exercise of letting go is a dance. Children take their cues from their parents. If I continue to cling to my children, at least emotionally, they will find it difficult to let go. But if I step up, step back, and be the brave Mom or Dad who can detach, my child will also be empowered to detach.
3. Know that your child will never be the man he is meant to be until you show your steel strength to let go. What you need is to work on yourself – your inner strength. See a therapist about your grief, join an Empty Nesters support group, or talk to your spiritual leader.
4. Trust that your child is capable. Children are far more capable and resilient than we doting parents of the 21st Century believe. Give them your vote of confidence and they will rise to the challenge.
5. Don’t expect your child to be immunized from pain or failure. Most of parental anxiety arises from our desire to protect our children from pain or failure. We all know that real life is not pain- free of failure-free. Sooner or later, and again better sooner than later, our children must learn to cope with pain, failure, and disappointment. This strengthens their character and adds tools to their toolbox for navigating life. Think of it as a school that does not charge tuition.
6. Stop focusing on your child’s needs, and start taking care of yourself. Now it's your opportunity to take advantage of your freedom to develop yourself. Go back to school, discover a new interest, or pursue that calling you didn’t have time for.
7. Refrain from calling or texting, no matter how hard it might feel. Your child needs the emotional and the physical distance to focus on his journey into adulthood. You may feel the strong need to be needed, but your child has a strong need to detach so he can move forward.
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