Some people think that you can get over your grief in a few days or a few weeks. They find it difficult to understand why women and men who become widowed continue to mourn for their loss after many years.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend Claire, now 70 years old, who lost her husband very suddenly within the first year after he retired. They have been looking forward to years of retirement together -- enjoying the travels and watching the grandchildren grow up. What a shock it was when he died suddenly! Five years later, she's still mourning for her loss.

As we talked and shared our grief, hers from the loss of her husband and mine from the loss of my hopes and dreams for my children, we both realized that what we were grieving for was more than just a single loss.

The transition journey is a journey of peeling away the various layers of losses. I would like to share a few pointers for working through these layers of losses.

1.  Be aware that the object of your loss is never the only loss. To Claire, her loss is not just the loss of her husband. It is also the loss of a relationship, the loss of their life together, and the loss of their shared dreams.

2.  Take time to move through the deeper levels of your grief. The feelings of grief are so powerful that they can be frightening. For many, the temptation is to grieve briefly and move on. When you rush our grieving process, you miss many of the important lessons and insights and you leave inside you a portion of unresolved grief.

3.  Be ready to connect your present with the past. When life deals you a hard blow, this unpleasant experience often uncovers a few vulnerable spots in your psyche. You may call these ghosts from the past. Frightening though it may be, this is a teachable moment and an opportunity to shore up your emotional strength.

4.  Be disciplined about living in the present. Grieving takes energy. Give yourself permission to slow down and not take on a lot of responsibilities. This will allow you to live in the present moment and embrace your grief.

5.  Be willing to try new things. Losses almost always come with other gains, if you would look up and look around. With the change in your environment, you may seize the opportunity to try a new hobby or join the new social group.

6.  Seek out a companion to walk with you. There is a time to gather and there is a time to scatter. At times the waves of grief may be so strong that you need to be alone; at other times you may need to seek out a companion to walk with you. Being aware of your need is the first step!

7.  Trust that beauty will come out of ashes. I happen to believe in a God who renews all things. What I have lost today, He will replace it with something new and beautiful tomorrow. Something new, not something that is the same!

What has been your experience with grieving? What kinds of losses were the most significant to you? What did you do to help yourself grieve? What were/are some things you do that were not helpful?

Who have you found to walk this journey with you?

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