When you have a struggling teenager or a young adult child, you may be tempted to focus on your child's welfare. In the process of turning all your attention to this struggling young adult, you yourself may be spiraling down into the pit of anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges.

An article published in April 2010 on www.physorg.com cites a study of 633 middle-aged parents. The study results show that parents with highly successful children are the ones with the best mental health condition. Apparently, even when the young adult children have grown up and are living apart from their parents, the young adults’ ups and downs in life still affect the middle-aged parents.

According to Professor Karen Fingerman, “Having two children suffering problems may be more demanding than having only one child who suffers problems,” she said. “By the same token, having a successful child did not buffer the effects of problem-ridden children.”

When our daughter reached early teen years, the conflict that had been a regular fare in our home life escalated. The home felt like a warzone all the time. (And believe me this had nothing to do with teenage hormones. It had been like this for years before she became a teen.) It wasn’t until after she had left home to live on her own that I recognized the traumatic effects on my psyche. One day I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and the sun was streaming down my back.It suddenly dawned on me that I had not felt this calm, peaceful, and wholesome feeling for many years.

That was my Great Awakening! My eyes were opened to the need to shift my focus of caring for her and controlling her to a new focus of caring for myself. Here I would like to share a few pointers for self-care.

1.  Daily recite the statements: “I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. Get off their backs and get on with your own life!” This daily exercise is very freeing because it reaffirms the fact that I am no longer responsible for my young adult children – not for their problems or happiness.

2.  Take mini-sabbaths every day. I no longer wait for the week-long or two-vacations in Hawaii. Every day I take brief moments , sometimes as short as 5-10 minutes, to re-center my thoughts on God and on me. This is very powerful because it arrests my tendency is to be obsessed with my child’s problems or needs.

3.  Take longer Sabbaths. If you can afford a one- or two-week vacation, the change of scene and change of pace will be very uplifting and refreshing.

4.  Pray. I daily pray for my children, often with specifics about their brain development and emotional healing. I also pray for myself for courage and strength.

5.  Journal. Writing down thoughts and emotions helps me flush them out of my system. It also helps me gain a wiser and clearer perspective on a situation.

6.  Practice visualizations of letting go of your child’s hand. When my children were little, I always held their hands while we were out walking. Even though I no longer need to hold their hands anymore, I still feel the anxiety about their safety from time to time. I visualize myself letting go of my child’s hand and releasing him or her into God’s hand. I can be free of my anxiety because I know God is holding their hands now.

7.  Write a Vision Statement for you new life. As I release my children into God’s hand and into the world to face life on their own, I am also beginning a new life, a life apart from my children. I have been crafting a Vision Statement for this new life so that my new purpose and my new vision will guide me.

What might be some parenting experiences that are impacting your sense of well-being? What could you do about this? How are you taking care of yourself? Are there some tips you could share with others?

Please visit me at www.transitionslifecoaching.org and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” on the sidebar.