Finding Strength; A journey to the light 4
By Finding Strength
Published on 06/10/2009
A deeper sorrow


That week afer my first session I was feeling pretty good. Well I had begun an anti depression med and they were working alittle. However about 2 weeks after starting them I started to have anxieties. They were really bad. Things began to get really bad. There were a few times where I was scared that I was going to hurt myself or my children. I didn't feel worthy of anyones love. I thought that I had been trying in vain to feel better about myself and my life. At that very moment in my life I felt like it was time to end it. The only thing I could think of was that I dind't want to hurt my children so I called my leader to come and get them. Instead of leaving like he should have with my children he calmed me down and convinced me that life was worth living. I made another appointment with the counselor to discuss what happened that week. We began getting into some deeper issues in my life because those were the ones that were causing my stress. I changed my meds to something different. The medication I was taking was causing my anxieties to be much worse than they were before.  Since being on the new meds I am doing much better. Things have been easier to go through and I feel more like a human.

When I started going to my counselor we first talked about my parents divorce and the effect it had on me. My parents told me when I first found out that I wasn't allowed to tell my brother that they were divorcing until after he graduated from school, which was 4 months after they told me. I went home in tears and begged my husband to tell me what to do. I had no clue how I was going ot keep this from my brother for 4 months. What were they asking me?? I couldn't believe it. I knew this horrible secret and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. Then as things went on I wasn't allowed to tell anyone anything. My parents would release their anger for each other on me and I would have to listen to them complain about each other.  I began to wonder what the point of my religion was if everything they taught me was right was suddenly wrong for them. They beleived in eternal marriage and here they were getting divorced. THey believed in family and here they were tearing ours apart. It was miserable. And could I do anything about it? No. I was forced to keep it all inside. As a result I began to keep a lot of things inside. For  a long time I didn't want to go to  church anymore because it did not make much sense to go when what I had been taught was being torn apart.